Eavesdropping at Panera

"Us Americans" and Scarry Grandmas

Published on February 18, 2005 By Professor Sue In Current Events

If one goes out for lunch in my town, one will run into lots mom/young child(-ren)/grandma combinations-- three generations out for the afternoon. Like many sociologists, I have a strong interest in (a) what makes people "tick" and (

how they interact. I thus spend a lot of time listening in on other peoples' conversations when I'm out and about. It's second nature for me at this point. During my latest lunch outing, my attention was especially drawn to a few things.

In modern times, you'll seldom overhear people out in public saying things about "those people" in reference to African-Americans. Such is presently considered bad form, though plenty of people will freely share their narrow views in private with someone whom they perceive as belonging to their own little in-group. It's different, though, with regard to other groups. The public pressure that might keep such "sharing" out of the restaurant or shopping center no longer exists, if indeed it ever did. Immigrants and, now, gays and lesbians are considered legitimated outsiders in this land-- sufficiently so that people feel free to make open generalizations within public settings. Yes, sitting in a restaurant booth is effectively a semi-private setting, but it's public enough that others can overhear what you say. And most folks now-a-days seem to feel no shame at having someone overhear their decries about certain groups.

My favorite phrasing in reference to Arab-Americans goes something like this, "They get to ring their bells now and us Americans can't do anything about it." Ok, first of all, no one is "ringing a bell." What is referred to here is the Muslim call to prayers, which is literally a call (a song-like sentence or two reminding the faithful that it's time to face Meccah and up offer prayers) in Arabic put out over a loud speaker. Christians ring church bells, traditionally as a call to prayer as well, anytime, but that's apparently OK. Those of us that might find any calls to prayer annoying and outmoded have no say over any of this. The other interesting thing about this comment is the reference to "us Americans." Who exactly are "us Americans"? I guess many white-bread Midwestern folks do not realize that Americans don't always look like them and that, in fact, many of the Arabs living in the US are in fact Americans. Many times, in fact, they came here to escape the religious fundamentalism that may've existed back in their homelands. That they might speak in their native language with others that harken from their homelands does not render these individuals any less American. "American" refers to one's citizenship. In this country, citizenship can be have by application or birth-- there is no "American" bloodline that must be shared if one is to be a citizen here.

The other thing I commonly observe when I'm out in a public setting having lunch is how scary some Grandmas have become. I just heard one screaming at her young granddaughter because the girl had put something "dirty" in her mouth. The woman's tone and volume of voice scared even me-- let alone the little girl. I once observed a Grandma telling her granddaughter to "stop this" and "stop that" and "get your finger out of your ear"-- one command after another. What ever happened to the sweet Grammy who spoils you? I think a couple things have happened. First, some older, working-class women (especially) seem to develop this tough-as-nails, no-nonsense, get-outta-my-way sort of demeanor. Many of these women are divorced and have worked their whole lives and just have a strong sense that they "aren't going to take it anymore." I am woman hear me roar. The thing is, though, that such an attitude ends up directed at people who had nothing to do with any of the bad stuff that might've happened to you years ago. The other factor involved here is that many of these Grandmas are now functioning as mothers to their grandkids. Their daughters might have had kids too young, maybe as single people. Being young PLUS being single is an especially difficult mix. It makes sense that these girls would turn to their moms for help, but their kids end up missing out on a Grandma b/c Grandma becomes surrogate mom. Even if Grandma gets abusive, her daughter is not likely to step in: she either might feel guilty doing so b/c she is in such a dependent position vis-a-vis her mom or might not see any problem w/Grandma's behavior b/c it is the same way in which she herself was treated. It might not feel good, but it will feel familiar. And the cycle turns and turns...

The one Grandma who most caught my attention was one of these especially grating people who rambles on and on in the negative about all sorts of things. She was an interesting mix of independent and self-directed and REALLY annoyingly self-absorbed. She was maybe 50-something, and she mentioned she'd returned to school and takes aerobics, etc. But, her demeanor was so, so grating. Someone nearly crashed in the parking lot, and this lady says, "Oh, it must be a woman not watching where she's going. I don't blame the truck driver-- if I was driving a big rig, I'd be like, 'Get out of my way!'" For her, kids are an uninteresting interruption. Anyone or anything that interrupts the flow of her day had better look out-- she will BLOW UP. While I admire her drive and independence, I cringe at the extent to which she seems to feel that she has some innate right to control everything and everyone in her surroundings, to live a life free of any interruption or annoyance (something kids provide lots of, which is likely why she keeps blowing up at these poor kids-- the little one laughs and the "Grammy" explodes at her b/c the kid is bored and fidgetty but Gramma's not done talking yet). In the interests of "defending" her rights and personhood, she seems to pay no mind to the interactions of rights and persons in a society.

The idea that women need to be strong and shouldn't have to "take it" anymore can sometimes breed a very selfish, self-absorbed demeanor. Though no one should let herself be walked on or abused, one-- everyone-- must always keep in mind that we all share social spaces. We ideally thus subscribe to a social contract by which we agree to treat others decently in exchange for having them treat us decently back. We call this CIVIL society. We could really use more of it. Air-conditioned cars, cell phones, constant business, feelings of being important if one is on the run: all of these breed a society in which people seem to be learning to treat others as if they are interruptions and non-persons. Some of us become so absorbed in our own small world, peppered with only those we invite inside, that we forget how to be polite and decent to the other people who are inevitably around us.

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