Minute-by-Miinute Diary of an Hour in the Life Waiting in an Automated Phone Queue
Ok, what better time to rant than RIGHT NOW while I'm sitting IN a phone queue...is there a worse misery of modern technology? Let's consider the components that make this such a supremely irritating experience:
(1) You get a fembot telling you how important your call is. You know SHE'S LYING, though, b/c, of course, if your call was THAT important, the company would hire more PEOPLE to answer the phones. Hell, they don't even phone you anymore-- they use automoated computers to do that, so you can't even answer the phone and tell them to BLANK OFF! You don't get the same thrill telling that to a computer!! My favorite comment my dad ever made to a telemarketer who called during dinner (this was years back-- in the times of rotary phones and family dinners). The guy was selling exercise equipment or something and my dad said, with a completely straight face, that "he was sorry but he has no legs." HA!!
(2) You get 70s music. Where do they find this music?? And it's ALWAYS way loud.
(3) This provides a friendly reminder (as does the crink forming in your neck) that you should really get a speaker phone.
(4) The fembot KEEPS telling you to please stay on the line (believe me, if I could get off, I WOULD!!) because your call is SOOO very important to "us"-- as if the $2/hour Indian guy is really part of the company. You can rest assured that the last English voice you're going to hear in this whole call is the automated fembot. She probably got paid $20 to make the recording-- but she only earned that once...is there such a thing as a "voice model"? There are hand models-- why not voice models?
(5) After hearing for the 50th time that your call is so important, you might begin feeling special to know how important your call (and maybe by extension you) is (and I'm calling a collections dept.-- you really would think the call might ACTUALLY be important to them). Soon, though, unless you're really hard up for human interaction, you realize that the "next available agent" likely refers to one guy sitting in front of a phone with a LOT of blinky lights. You hope he's not like Homer Simpson and easily distracted by all the pretty lights...or maybe gone off to get a donut. He may well have fallen asleep...what time is it in India right now, anyway?? Oh god, the guy probably really IS asleep...
(6) You keep holding, though..."Thank you for waiting. We apologize for this delay as your call is VERY important to us. Please stay on the line and your call WILL be answered by the next available agent." Is it bad that I now KNOW BY HEART the whole "line"?? BONUS: You'll probably be on hold again in your dreams when you get to sleep tonight...
(7) Why don't I hang up?? I REALLY want to, but then I'd have to go through all of this again later. It's one of those time invested bargains. You don't want to hang up b/c you know you'll be the very next call picked up if you do. Like the Seinfeld Chinese restaurant episode. Man, my neck REALLY hurts now. Can I sue them for pain & suffering??
Oh my god-- I finally got an answer and it really IS an Indian guy!!! Unbelievable! God I love this country. Why the hell are we spending so much on homeland defense anyway? We send our jobs overseas so that we can spell our name 12 times to a guy in India regarding a bill for something we bought down the street. We're cutting our education budgets to ENSURE that our kids will definitely not be able to compete with India & China. Maybe they can guard a prison or something. What the hell is this homeland office defending anyway? It's like the Defense of Marriage Ammendment (DOMA, pronounced DUMB-A). What the heck is that defending??? Brittney Spears' right to get married and divorced in 55 hours? A 50% divorce rate? Woo-hoo!
By the way, of course, the Indian guy tells me that, after waiting 25 minutes, I've called the wrong number. He sent me on some run-around. See, the reason the payment is late is b/c Old Navy had my address wrong. Now that the account has gone to collections, of course, I can't make a payment over the phone w/Old Navy, though I can send them a payment in the mail. As the man on the phone (I think) said: Of course vee vill accept it (the payment). Of course, though, they can't (won't) actually settle the late charges issue (why should I have to send late charges when they're using the WRONG address??) until after I've sent payment to them, After they receive the payment, they can then remove the late charges. What, they'll REFUND the late charges to me?? Yeah, right.
You know, I vaguely remember this purchase from Old Navy-- a few months ago. The most vivid memory of the whole thing was that they couldn't even give me two bags. I asked for a large paper shopping bag, which they gave me-- but only after I returned the plastic bag they'd previously given me. I guess I'll be relegating Old Navy and their cheap crap to the ever-lengthening list of places where I won't spend my hard-earned money. I'm going to have to start making my own cloths and growing my own food before too long. I do have to say, though: as I get older, I'm a LOT less willing to pay less to get less, which is how most "bargains" inevitably turn out. Like Wal-Mart. Yeah, buy it once, wear it once, pay for it 10 times. Nowadays, I happily pay more so that I can get better service and decent quality. And I'm HAPPY to do it!
By the way: I have no gripe at all with India or the Indian people. They are hard-working and doing the right things to develop their country. My gripe is that our country's leadership and our business climate is not doing the same to ensure that America is a good place to live and work. I'm highly educated and quite skilled and I, like many of my friends and colleagues, am starting to think very seriously about moving to Canada or Europe-- maybe even to India. /rant/