Creepy Guy Magnet

Signs YOU Might Be Dating a Creepy Guy

Published on February 19, 2005 By Professor Sue In Humor

These days there's a distinction made between creepy guy and and freaky guy, and like a lot of offbeat folks, I can appreciate a good many of the freaky guys. We're talking, say, the Henry Rollin's type-- nothing creepy (by my book) about him. But he's darn freaky, in a good way (IMHO).

No, by creepy I mean, well, creepy. Let me give you a few examples of possible characteristics (taken, unfortunately, from real life experiences):

(1) It's noon and he can't decide whether to (a) get up and have some Froot Loops while watching cartoons or (

take a shower. That's the day's big decision. And, no, sadly, it's not Saturday. CREEPY RATING: 4

(2) You're out on your first "date"-- you know, the one where one might try to make a good impression-- and he's going on about how he lived with his mom for years and found it hard to leave her and go back to school because his parents are older and he's the only kid. By now I'm picturing a home right out of a Vincent Price film. After coffee (thankfully there was no dinner), I offer to drive him back home. He, of course, lives in a dorm room and doesn't drive at all, even though he's 34 (which was a few years older than me, at the time, but I managed to live in an apartment and own a car, albeit a beater). Despite all, he seems a nice enough guy, just no my type, and so I drive him "home." As I arrive and look over to say goodbye, I find him all puckered-up, expecting his goodnight smooch. Ok. Soooo many problems with this one. The fact that he had breathed on me, like Darth Vador might, all semester through a graduate seminar, explaining that he had Adult ADD when I looked at him in a mystified way, should have been enough to make me say "no" when he asked me out. Sad thing was that I didn't realized he'd actually asked me out-- he just wanted to meet for coffee. I grad school, that's called studying. Apparently, he did have a crush, though. And he chased me around campus for years after I spurned his smooch. Sometimes, I'd hear him screaming my name from across the street and then find him running toward me. Once, it was raining out, and he came running toward me in this big, blue cape-like raincoat. He's maybe 6'6", so that was quite a (disturbing) sight. CREEPY RATING: 7

(3) You've just met him and he starts boasting about his motorized cow skeleton. Excuse me...what?! Yep. He motorized a cow skeleton?? Turns out it's quite well-known around town. He takes it for "walk" especially during parades. It's his hobby. He takes an animal's bones and puts them back together and then motorizes animation into his masterpiece. Now, were I at a parade, this might actually be cool. Maybe. On a first date, though, it's REALLY not a good sign. He is working, at least-- apparently he's turned his hobby into gainful work. Little old ladies now hire them to motorize their schnauzers post-mortem so that the bitty pups can still keep them company. Yeah, ok. How do you keep from snorting your drink through your nostrils when someone tells you something like this in complete seriousness? Check please!!! Garcon?! CREEPY RATING: 8.5

(4) You made the mistake of making friendly conversation at the apt. laundry with this guy about science fiction books. Before you know it, he's taping notes to your car, informing you of when he will return from his job a Burger King. Hey, maybe you could stop by: I'll fix you up with some free eats! Wow. My heart skips a beat. The scariest thing is that the note is time-stamped and informs you of the exact time he'll be returning. When you try and nicely tell him you have no interest in going out w/him, you then find a deluge of water pouring through the light fixture in your bathroom (yep-- OF COURSE he has to live in the apt. RIGHT UPSTAIRS). Charming. Well, I'd been meaning to look for a bigger place... CREEPY RATING: 9.5

Unfortunately, the list could go on. The fact that I was in "gradual" school (commonly know as graduate school, but graduation being pretty rare, that seems an inappropriate name) probably goes a long way toward explaining how it is that I kept meeting such special individuals. One is _guaranteed_ to meet some, er, interesting characters while in grad school (again, ALL real):

-really rich kids that come to class with spiked coffee for the 9am seminar and are using the lunch table as a speaking pulpit by 12.30pm

-snobs that audition others to see if they'd make sufficiently interesting friends (or, more appropriately, talk-mate; real friendship, let alone real sex, is far too rare among these folks-- you can imagine the hang-ups)

-people who used to be with the circus or on the lam and are looking to start a new life (some of them ARE actually really quite interesting, as in cool-interesting)

-middle-aged ladies with a lot of cats who think they know a lot b/c they've lived a long time (they're often in the Education grad programs-- ahhh, yes,...the "Ph.D." in Education...how can you tell if someone's a Ph.D. in education?? b/c they'll INSIST on telling you-- and probably on making you call them "Frau Doktor")

-smart but odd individuals who have focussed on some topic and simply must keep studying it; some of these are actually TRUE asexuals...a rarity anywhere but in a college town with lots of grad students; I once knew a really cool guy who just was NOT into sex...he eventually had to go and see a urologist who proscribed some, er, magazines and insisted that he relieve his situation more regularly (seems the "guys" had gone a bit blue...)

-women seeking an advanced Mrs. degree and who have such low self-esteem that they'll spend way to much time chasing after guys from the last category:

-men who think they're da bomb b/c too many of their female peers and their professors keep telling them this. One often hears the term "rock start" to refer to this last group of men, who are typically Einstein-acting babies seeking to be cared for while they do their "important" work. There are NEVER women counted as "rock stars," even if they're sharper and more productive than these men. It's a well-protected, white male club. If women and others had to be let into grad school, they at least don't need to be favored as "rock stars." Those women ruined everything: it used to be that, if you were a "rock star" type, you'd be guaranteed to have you a good little woman at home who could cook and clean for you and even type your papers. Now all these women are actually in school typing their own papers...what's a guy to do??

The women willing to date the men in this last group can be really scary. I knew a woman once who actually BEGGED "her" special little rock star to please keep having uncaring, uncommitted sex w/her (she was sure he was deeply in love w/her but just "troubled"). She ACTUALLY asked him what she could change to make him like her more/feel more attracted to her. I had a REALLY GOOD IDEA for what she could change: HIM. As in GET RID OF him!! Instead, for years-- maybe even to this day, she's been driving across half the country to be at his beck and call whenever he "needs" her. Well, at least he isn't suffering from blue boys. But COME ON. I don't blame him for taking advantage, though that's pretty low-life. I really have A LOT of concern over such women, though. Why would you tolerate this?? "But I really love him." Well, think of him and eat some pooh then-- no, not if he WANTS you to do that so he can watch. I mean, do whatever you need to do in order to associate him with BAD in your mind. Find some self-respect and better men will come your way. There's the really sick part of this-- a lot of the women willing to be humiliated this way are actually pretty interesting and cool in their own right. I wish they'd see that and do THEIR thing rather than worrying so much over pleasing some sexually confused nimrod."

Comments

Cordelia

on Feb 19, 2005

This was a great read, thank you! Having been a graduate student and worked around graduate students for years, reading your article was like a walk down memory lane. And of course some of these grad students bcome professors but retain their...uh...idiosyncratic ways.

And I almost laughed out loud at #4. I had a really hard time getting to know my husband, because it always seemed that the minute you talked to a guy about science fiction books they are in "love" with you. Luckily my husband was not one of those guys, but previous experience made for a rocky start to our relationship (read: I was the crazy one).

Thanks for sharing!

Sugar High Elf

on Feb 19, 2005

1. I am now officially afraid to go to grad school. Thanks.

2. I have a saying that seems to have held true through many years. "The only guys who think I'm beautiful are the very very old, the very very young and the mentally handicapped."
3. change # 4 to "Cracker Barrel" and "Lived next door" and you have my life.

Great read... good for a laugh!

greywar

on Feb 19, 2005

Another one : On the first date he tls you all about his blog! Creep Factor 7.5!

Moderateman

on Feb 19, 2005

another one, he regales you with stories about all 459 of his sexual conquest on the first date, then asks you what position you like best. creep factor 10.0

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