Really...don't say these things. They don't help.
My mom and I were just talking about grief last night b/c I'm so upset over my young cousin (she's my age and has a great husband and two little kids) who's seemingly losing her battle with cancer (a metasticized melanoma).
Things NOT to Say to a Grieving Friend/Relative (and, yes, these are things people REALLY did say):
(1) It's been ___ years/months, and you need to move on. I don't care how many DECADES it's been, one has no place giving this ignorant "advice" to someone else.
(2) You're young; you can have another one (said to "comfort" a person who's lost child)
(3) I understand how you feel. (Unless you REALLY do from very similar experience, you don't; so zip it)
(4) Can I have ______ item of your dead loved one? NEVER ask this is probably the best advice. Certainly DON'T ASK THIS AT THE FUNERAL!!
(5) It's for the best. No, not really; it isn't. Yes, after some horrible illness, it MAY seem to be better for the afflicted individual in to be dead rather than suffering, but overall it'd be much preferred if they weren't ill or dead at all.
(6) God has his reasons. He might but you don't know them, so zip it.
(7) You haven't moved past that yet? PLEASE don't say this. It's not a break-up, people.
(8) Just get away for awhile and you'll feel better. Yeah, like you actually feel like a vacation.
(9) That's not the (right/proper) way to deal with grief. Why?? B/c you personally KNOW the one right way? Maybe you read it in a text book?
(10) Now you know how I've been feeling the last ___ years since ____ died. Yes, let's all compare our tribulations at this difficult time. That'll help a lot.
I think people say these things b/c they don't know WHAT to say since we detest dealing with death in this society. People also tend to have trouble w/awkward silence and feel they should say something but, because they're so nervous being reminded at the inevitable death, which all of us will face, they blurt out something ignorant or insulting. What can one do instead?? If you don't KNOW what to say, just give the grieving person a hug and say, "I'm sooo sorry. If there's ANYTHING I can do, please let me know." Just that simple. It means a lot to hear it. It doesn't presume too much. If you really DO have actual experiential insight that is DIRECTLY similar to that which the grieving person is going through (i.e. you, too, lost a child or lost a sibling or lost your spouse suddenly), you'll likely know the right things to say and be gentle in your effort to comfort. Otherwise, keep it simple and brief. And PLEASE do not NOT say anything. I know: that's a double negative. But so many people just pull away and say nothing, though, and that hurts too. Especially when someone loses a child-- most folks don't KNOW what to say. But, it's so obvious when old friends begin simply avoiding you-- and that's really hurtful. You start feeling like an outcast.
My mom just yesterday met a new friend in her retirement park down in Fla.-- someone who also lost a son, as my mom did nearly 15 years ago (when my brother died after losing a battle w/testicular cancer-- I know very well how very ill Lance Armstrong was b/c my brother was just as infected throughout his body with tumors and he DIED, and so I deeply admire how amazingly far Lance has come since his struggle). My mom & her new pal were sharing stories yesterday about ignorant comments others made when they were grieving-- someone actually said to this woman, minutes after her son had been run over by a car, that "you're young; you can have more"?!? Unbelievable.
My mom and I have both had people tell us, "it's been years-- it's time to move past" the death of my brother/her son. One charming woman actually asked my mom _at my dad's funeral_ if she could have "first crack" at his beloved sewing machine. Are you kidding?? How could one be SOOO crass-- and she didn't even get what an ass she was. My mom, to her credit, very calmly replied that, "you can be sure you WON'T be getting ANY crack at it, as it's staying in the family." Yeah, the woman wasn't even a relative or even a particularly good friend of the family. Just a lowly looter. Egad. Poor home training, as some of my students say.
I actually had a former lover tell me I "needed" to move past grieving my brother on at HIS BROTHER'S wedding when I was mourning the idea I'd never see this day for my brother. At the time, it'd only been a few years since I lost my brother. Said lover had been a jerk before this, but this was the last straw. I was a thousand miles from home and had no idea exactly where I was (some island near San Quentin in the Bay area), but I packed my little wheelie-suitcase up and dragged it down a hill and caught a bus and then a boat and then another bus and headed back to the airport (I was proud that it only cost $7 to get all the way back to said airport). He sat alone at the head table. I suppose I embarrased him, but one must protect their own personhood/emotional well-being. It felt very liberating to finally leave the guy that day. I affirmed in myself that I could take care of self and would not settle for someone who could be that callous.